It had been four months and Julia knew what was going on. She had nothing to complain, she had had a good life- a loving family, a faithful husband, a couple of good friends and her beloved dogs who never made her wonder whether she had enough love to go round. She waited patiently for the results; not expecting a miracle but just a tentative date as to when she leaves her family, loving husband and friends behind to rest for once and for all. She saw a glimmer in his husband's eyes which said,"I'm not ready! I never will be!", she placed her hand on his and reassured him with a look of,"I need you to be strong my love!" Her parents had left for heavenly abode and she was glad that they had, cause her mother used to say,"There's nothing more painful than to lose a child with the parents still alive". Few of her close friends were taking care of her house, her dogs and her husband who was growing ever more lean.
The doctor came in with the reports. She felt like it was a repeat of Scrubs/Grey's anatomy; she knew the look, the pauses, the sense of practised guilt of having nothing more that they could deliver. But she was a strong woman, she made it easy for the doctor. She asked him,"How much time do I have left?", her husband stared at her startled with the question as she felt her husband's world shatter and noticed a tear roll out from the corner of his eye.
The doctor said,"Three weeks, I am extremely sorry. But, we can still........." . She looked at her husband and said,"Let me go while I am not a vegetable, let me pass away like a human being!" He didn't know how to respond, after all she was just 40 years of age and to him, she still looked like the teenager he fell in love with on the first day of high school. He felt there were so many things that he had promised that were yet to be done, they were yet to buy a condo and shift to Los Angeles and stay by the sun and sand; they were yet to take a world tour, yet to love each other more...so much more. He thought of the times he had disappointed his ever loving beautiful wife.
A thousand thoughts were swirling through his mind...it was like the entire thing was a bad dream and he just couldn't shake it off and wake up. He tried hard, but he could not! He saw the doctor mouth a few words that seemed like,"I'll give you a minute", he wasn't sure though; he wasn't sure of anything that was happening. He had unknowingly started walking, walking out of the room and almost out of the hospital; he heard his wife's soft screams calling out to him but it was like his legs were not in control of his body. His childhood friend caught up to him and shook him and said,"Tim! Tim! Can you hear me??? Julia needs you!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME!!! TIM!!!"
A couple of minutes later, Tim had regained his sense of talking. John had informed Julia that Tim is with him and fine and that she should not worry. They'd be back soon. After a while the first words Tim uttered were,"Who is with Julia?" John said,"Rosanne is there, don't worry. Even she needs a friend and Rosanne is just as strong as Julia; but we need to take care of you right now. Tim, she is dying and you know that; don't act like you didn't. I know you hoped against hope; but deep in your heart you knew. I guess it is time you pulled out that courage and used it. I know you can't be prepared for death; but you have to...for your sake, for Julia's sake."
Tim stayed quiet, he looked down at the unevenness of the cemented floor and he noticed the blobs, he didn't want to listen to what John was saying, even though he knew every word he is saying was true and he will have to do it sooner or later. He was really concentrating on this particular blob that had a fine thread around it which reminded him of Julia's blonde smooth hair and how it sways in the wind and how it smells every morning when he wakes up next to her. Before he knew he noticed tiny circular formations on the floor, he realised he was crying; not crying out of anger, not crying out of a sense of loss; but crying that he has to stand and face the fact that his loved one is dying and he had to be standing next to her stronger than ever before cause he loved her so much more than this mere gesture. He felt John's arm on his shoulder and he knew that though he is not alone on this road but he realised that in a matter of three weeks nothing will ever be the same. His first and only love, will no longer be there to grow old with him. He quivered as he bent into two and John knew just the thing to do at least that's what they've done ever since they were little kids; a hug. John's hugs were magical; he would soak away all the gloom that anyone had and if it were a joyous moment it would get quadrupled. Tim picked himself up and walked to the water tap, splashed his face with the cold Michigan winter water.
Tim walked in to the room and greeted his love with a smile and looked towards Rosanne and said,"Could you give us a minute?",Rosanne as prompt as ever left the room with a smile and without much delay.
Tim looked deep into Julia's eyes, which still bore that blue ring around her cornea just like the first day that he met her. He said,"Julia, you know I love you, more with every fleeting moment and this is not easy for you or me. But I love you enough to let you decide how you live your life...[pauses, sniffs]..or leave this world. So what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm going to stand by you in whatever decision you make.(Smiles) But, only if you promise me you'll get us a good condo in heaven, cause baby I'm gonna come to get you soon; so don't flirt around too much with those handsome angels; cause I will break those pricks bones once I get there." She giggled through her tear filled eyes and clogged nose and said,"Thank you hon. Thanks for standing by me, I have always and will always love you. If on days you find that you hear the bell ring but no one's at the door, that is cause I'm asking you to clean the house, clean yourself, feed Goldy and Snoopy and take them out for a walk."
Julia wanted to come home and spend the last few days with friends and her dogs. One fine day as she woke up next to Tim, she noticed that Goldy and Snoopy were waiting expectantly by the bed that they'll get to go for a walk soon. She turned over to Tim and called him softly, her voice still groggy with sleep. She covered her mouth as she had done for the past 18 years of married life and called him softly. He turned around and hugged her and said,"I like your morning breath why are you robbing me of that smell?" She shied away from him just like the first time he had said the sentence and said,"Cause I don't get kicks out of spreading germs and I wish I could have taught you that in the past 18 years, alas! Some people are just spoilt beyond repair!" Tim groaned,smiled and said,"Fine. I'm going to get you your brush and I'll clean up, we'll take these lazy bums (pointing to Goldy and Snoopy) for a walk and then we can get some breakfast ok?" She smiled and nodded. She never felt more loved.
It had been a week since she passed away. Tim still didn't know how to live his life. He didn't find the will to wake up or get up or feed the dogs or clean the house. Goldy and Snoopy were very sensitive and they tried their best to not seek any attention. They had managed to make the dog food box drop from the shelf and they ate it off of the floor. They answered their calls of nature in the garden.
It was the 21st of December, he didn't know how he was going to spend the festivities of this season without his beloved. He didn't know if he'd be able to make it past a mistletoe without having a complete breakdown. He just kept reeling through the memories- her hair, her smell, her clothes, her smile, the loud cackle of her laughter reverberating through the house and another few houses....THUDDD!!!! Tim heard a noise, but he didn't have the heart to get up. While he laid down their wondering, steal what you want just let my dogs and the photos be! He heard a voice, a voice that he knew meant trouble. He heard it again, "TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! Are you there?!!! TTTTTTTTIIIIIMMMMMMMM!!!!!" Crap, it was his sister Donna, he knew she was going to lecture him. He could hear her proceeding footsteps towards the door. He wanted to run and hide, but his muscles failed to. Donna marched in and said,"God! TIM!!! Will you look at yourself. I cannot tolerate you and your awful smell! Go get decent! We have the hearing of the will today and I will not take no for an answer and you know there is no point arguing with me. So go on, go ahead. I'll lay out your clothes for you,just get ready! Then come down for breakfast! Wonder what Goldy and Snoopy are eating!"
Tim marched on and followed his sister's orders mostly cause he didn't have the energy to do anything else. 45 minutes later they left in Donna's car.
They reached the hearing on time. Tim couldn't have cared less, he just wanted his wife back at the cost of his complete fortune. After the hearing, the lawyer came up to him and said,"Julia had left a letter for you."
He rushed into the bathroom as he knew that's the only place where he could read undisturbed. He ripped apart the envelope. The letter read:
"Dear Tim,
Hi baby. So I guess I kicked the bucket before you eh? YOoohooo, I don't have to be the last one, I beat you to the race. Come on Tim you know, it has always meant everything for me to win. Anyway, I love you hon. And don't worry if any of the rockstars land up here am not goinng flirt with them, you have my word ;). I guess you are not cleaning the house, or yourself. Do that hon, it hurts for me to see you live like that. We are all responsible for our own lives. As far as Snoopy and Goldy are concerned I bet they are being the absolute dolls that they are. Or dogs, whatever :P ! I know we've discussed this a million times before but I'll say it again. Don't end your life, just cause mine has ended. I cannot see you live like this. Go out there, live your life and as Joey said,"Grab a spoon!" ;). It would make me so delirious to see you live and love again. Take your time but do move on hon. And about loving, I guess Missy Higgins has said everything I want to say. Since I'm sure you don't know about the song or the artist here goes the lyrics, and I will alawys love your for everything you do, everything you don't, everything you are and everything you aren't!
"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood"
Love you darl.
Muaah Muaah!
Forever yours loved wife,
Julia."
Tim didn't know what he was going to do after he finished reading this letter. But he realised he doesn't need to do anything but live, for Julia's sake; and learn to live without Julia. As he stepped out of the building, he found the rays of Sun sparkling on yesterday's snow, and was reflected to his eyes. He took out his shades, descended the steps and he said to himself,"Here goes nothing!"
The doctor came in with the reports. She felt like it was a repeat of Scrubs/Grey's anatomy; she knew the look, the pauses, the sense of practised guilt of having nothing more that they could deliver. But she was a strong woman, she made it easy for the doctor. She asked him,"How much time do I have left?", her husband stared at her startled with the question as she felt her husband's world shatter and noticed a tear roll out from the corner of his eye.
The doctor said,"Three weeks, I am extremely sorry. But, we can still........." . She looked at her husband and said,"Let me go while I am not a vegetable, let me pass away like a human being!" He didn't know how to respond, after all she was just 40 years of age and to him, she still looked like the teenager he fell in love with on the first day of high school. He felt there were so many things that he had promised that were yet to be done, they were yet to buy a condo and shift to Los Angeles and stay by the sun and sand; they were yet to take a world tour, yet to love each other more...so much more. He thought of the times he had disappointed his ever loving beautiful wife.
A thousand thoughts were swirling through his mind...it was like the entire thing was a bad dream and he just couldn't shake it off and wake up. He tried hard, but he could not! He saw the doctor mouth a few words that seemed like,"I'll give you a minute", he wasn't sure though; he wasn't sure of anything that was happening. He had unknowingly started walking, walking out of the room and almost out of the hospital; he heard his wife's soft screams calling out to him but it was like his legs were not in control of his body. His childhood friend caught up to him and shook him and said,"Tim! Tim! Can you hear me??? Julia needs you!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME!!! TIM!!!"
A couple of minutes later, Tim had regained his sense of talking. John had informed Julia that Tim is with him and fine and that she should not worry. They'd be back soon. After a while the first words Tim uttered were,"Who is with Julia?" John said,"Rosanne is there, don't worry. Even she needs a friend and Rosanne is just as strong as Julia; but we need to take care of you right now. Tim, she is dying and you know that; don't act like you didn't. I know you hoped against hope; but deep in your heart you knew. I guess it is time you pulled out that courage and used it. I know you can't be prepared for death; but you have to...for your sake, for Julia's sake."
Tim stayed quiet, he looked down at the unevenness of the cemented floor and he noticed the blobs, he didn't want to listen to what John was saying, even though he knew every word he is saying was true and he will have to do it sooner or later. He was really concentrating on this particular blob that had a fine thread around it which reminded him of Julia's blonde smooth hair and how it sways in the wind and how it smells every morning when he wakes up next to her. Before he knew he noticed tiny circular formations on the floor, he realised he was crying; not crying out of anger, not crying out of a sense of loss; but crying that he has to stand and face the fact that his loved one is dying and he had to be standing next to her stronger than ever before cause he loved her so much more than this mere gesture. He felt John's arm on his shoulder and he knew that though he is not alone on this road but he realised that in a matter of three weeks nothing will ever be the same. His first and only love, will no longer be there to grow old with him. He quivered as he bent into two and John knew just the thing to do at least that's what they've done ever since they were little kids; a hug. John's hugs were magical; he would soak away all the gloom that anyone had and if it were a joyous moment it would get quadrupled. Tim picked himself up and walked to the water tap, splashed his face with the cold Michigan winter water.
Tim walked in to the room and greeted his love with a smile and looked towards Rosanne and said,"Could you give us a minute?",Rosanne as prompt as ever left the room with a smile and without much delay.
Tim looked deep into Julia's eyes, which still bore that blue ring around her cornea just like the first day that he met her. He said,"Julia, you know I love you, more with every fleeting moment and this is not easy for you or me. But I love you enough to let you decide how you live your life...[pauses, sniffs]..or leave this world. So what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm going to stand by you in whatever decision you make.(Smiles) But, only if you promise me you'll get us a good condo in heaven, cause baby I'm gonna come to get you soon; so don't flirt around too much with those handsome angels; cause I will break those pricks bones once I get there." She giggled through her tear filled eyes and clogged nose and said,"Thank you hon. Thanks for standing by me, I have always and will always love you. If on days you find that you hear the bell ring but no one's at the door, that is cause I'm asking you to clean the house, clean yourself, feed Goldy and Snoopy and take them out for a walk."
Julia wanted to come home and spend the last few days with friends and her dogs. One fine day as she woke up next to Tim, she noticed that Goldy and Snoopy were waiting expectantly by the bed that they'll get to go for a walk soon. She turned over to Tim and called him softly, her voice still groggy with sleep. She covered her mouth as she had done for the past 18 years of married life and called him softly. He turned around and hugged her and said,"I like your morning breath why are you robbing me of that smell?" She shied away from him just like the first time he had said the sentence and said,"Cause I don't get kicks out of spreading germs and I wish I could have taught you that in the past 18 years, alas! Some people are just spoilt beyond repair!" Tim groaned,smiled and said,"Fine. I'm going to get you your brush and I'll clean up, we'll take these lazy bums (pointing to Goldy and Snoopy) for a walk and then we can get some breakfast ok?" She smiled and nodded. She never felt more loved.
It had been a week since she passed away. Tim still didn't know how to live his life. He didn't find the will to wake up or get up or feed the dogs or clean the house. Goldy and Snoopy were very sensitive and they tried their best to not seek any attention. They had managed to make the dog food box drop from the shelf and they ate it off of the floor. They answered their calls of nature in the garden.
It was the 21st of December, he didn't know how he was going to spend the festivities of this season without his beloved. He didn't know if he'd be able to make it past a mistletoe without having a complete breakdown. He just kept reeling through the memories- her hair, her smell, her clothes, her smile, the loud cackle of her laughter reverberating through the house and another few houses....THUDDD!!!! Tim heard a noise, but he didn't have the heart to get up. While he laid down their wondering, steal what you want just let my dogs and the photos be! He heard a voice, a voice that he knew meant trouble. He heard it again, "TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! Are you there?!!! TTTTTTTTIIIIIMMMMMMMM!!!!!" Crap, it was his sister Donna, he knew she was going to lecture him. He could hear her proceeding footsteps towards the door. He wanted to run and hide, but his muscles failed to. Donna marched in and said,"God! TIM!!! Will you look at yourself. I cannot tolerate you and your awful smell! Go get decent! We have the hearing of the will today and I will not take no for an answer and you know there is no point arguing with me. So go on, go ahead. I'll lay out your clothes for you,just get ready! Then come down for breakfast! Wonder what Goldy and Snoopy are eating!"
Tim marched on and followed his sister's orders mostly cause he didn't have the energy to do anything else. 45 minutes later they left in Donna's car.
They reached the hearing on time. Tim couldn't have cared less, he just wanted his wife back at the cost of his complete fortune. After the hearing, the lawyer came up to him and said,"Julia had left a letter for you."
He rushed into the bathroom as he knew that's the only place where he could read undisturbed. He ripped apart the envelope. The letter read:
"Dear Tim,
Hi baby. So I guess I kicked the bucket before you eh? YOoohooo, I don't have to be the last one, I beat you to the race. Come on Tim you know, it has always meant everything for me to win. Anyway, I love you hon. And don't worry if any of the rockstars land up here am not goinng flirt with them, you have my word ;). I guess you are not cleaning the house, or yourself. Do that hon, it hurts for me to see you live like that. We are all responsible for our own lives. As far as Snoopy and Goldy are concerned I bet they are being the absolute dolls that they are. Or dogs, whatever :P ! I know we've discussed this a million times before but I'll say it again. Don't end your life, just cause mine has ended. I cannot see you live like this. Go out there, live your life and as Joey said,"Grab a spoon!" ;). It would make me so delirious to see you live and love again. Take your time but do move on hon. And about loving, I guess Missy Higgins has said everything I want to say. Since I'm sure you don't know about the song or the artist here goes the lyrics, and I will alawys love your for everything you do, everything you don't, everything you are and everything you aren't!
"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood"
Love you darl.
Muaah Muaah!
Forever yours loved wife,
Julia."
Tim didn't know what he was going to do after he finished reading this letter. But he realised he doesn't need to do anything but live, for Julia's sake; and learn to live without Julia. As he stepped out of the building, he found the rays of Sun sparkling on yesterday's snow, and was reflected to his eyes. He took out his shades, descended the steps and he said to himself,"Here goes nothing!"
